Each day is a new day where I need to make decisions. Many decisions are fairly easy and on autopilot such as making my bed or brushing my teeth. They are basically habits and don’t require a lot of thinking.
Other decisions are not so easy: for me this is to binge or not to binge. My wiser, stronger self of course says not too. However, my anxiety-prone self combined with a decades old habit to “help” me cope with life, says, yes go ahead and binge (but it will be the last one! Promise! Let’s just say I’ve had a lot of “last” binges- at least several hundred).
This daily battle I have reminds me of a bible verse,
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?” Romans 7:15-24 (NIV)
That verse is really speaking to me today, I’m glad I read it.
Now that I’m on my healing journey to heal my eating disorder what do I need to rescue me? I definitely need God’s help (always!) but I also need to help myself. I need to do the work and put in my part. Which is the main reason why I’m writing, to help me sort out step by step, day by day how to heal.
What I want to work towards is simply making better, healthier decisions. For each meal and snack, day in and day out, ever day.
So today I decide to be healthy and moderate with my eating but not “perfect.”
Perfect for me is a tricky, tricky place when I only eat completely clean food- that is only foods like brown rice, vegetables, beans, etc all unprocessed, ideally organic, sugar-free, flour-free, processed carb-free. This is an ideal and if I have days where I end up eating that way sometimes, hey, awesome!!! Nothing wrong with it and clearly very good nutritionally. But this is a big part of what I’m trying to heal from: my self-defeating perfectionism. Where I either eat “perfectly” and if I fail…well now it’s time to binge and eat half a cake, 3 ice cream bars, a whole bag of potato chips, etc.
So for today I’m going to aim to be good enough 🙂