Take a deep breath

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Everything is going to be ok. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and let God carry your burdens for you.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30, NIV

I need to hear this today and keep reminding myself that God is good and he has everything under control. I’ve been struggling with crushing anxiety and I’m realizing that I can’t control life and every outcome. I have to accept life on life’s terms. And my best hope is to turn everything over to God: my fear, anxiety, and worries about all the possible “what if’s” that can happen.

I really do believe that God loves me and each and every one of us deeply and will work everything out for our good.

I never forget my many, many blessings and despite this anxiety I am so very grateful for everything I have. I pray that in time I can continue to trust God more with everything and he will help me to heal this anxiety and turn it into hope, faith, joy and trust.

Staying consistent in daily life

flowers2I’m realizing more and more that for me a big part of healing my eating disorder is simply trying to be consistent with what I do and learning new healthy habits. There is nothing really glamorous or exciting about it, which is actually pretty nice.  I’m a person who thrives on structure and having a plan for the day.

However, this being said it’s something that I often struggle with greatly. I have to work hard at sticking to my plan for the day. I can have great intentions but if I’m not careful and mindful about what I’m doing I can easily spend hour after hour on the Internet, reading random stuff (usually the news which is depressing), watch tv endlessly, gorge myself on junk food, and then go to bed exhausted at 2am. I have spent many, many days (months? years?) of my life like this and it’s part of the bigger picture of what I’m trying to heal.

My binge eating is really just a symptom of a larger soul-based problem. Instead of bingeing to run away from my problems, I’m trying instead to seek God first and His love, and have a life of purpose, meaning and self-discipline where my soul is full and happy and I don’t need or want to binge anymore.

What does a healthy, consistent day looks like for me:

  • Eat 3 healthy meals, and 1 snack (if needed)
  • Pray and work on my spiritual life (read bible, attend bible study, etc)
  • Do basic housework, chores and self-maintenance: brush teeth, take a shower, make bed, wash dishes, buy groceries
  • Do work
  • Visit with family or meet a friend for coffee (once or twice a week)
  • Spend time outside in nature, if possible
  • Cook dinner
  • Read a book (and try not too watch too much tv, if any, honestly)
  • Go to sleep at a reasonable time

On the outside this looks like a normal healthy day, you know, maybe nothing special. But for me this is very specialThis represents a hugely successful day where I’ve taken proper care of myself, done my work, prayed and spent time with God, maybe met with a friend or family member and gone to bed on time. This is pretty much what an awesome day looks like for me.

Goals for the day

Today I plan to have a healthy day and not binge 🙂 This morning was somewhat hectic with lots of semi-stressful calls and emails. Hopefully the rest of the day should be pretty relaxed. However I can never let my guard down because I can binge over pretty much anything: feeling sad, happy, stressed, bored, tired, etc.

Goals for the day:

  • Eat properly and healthfully
  • Clean the house a little bit
  • Exercise
  • No tv or electronics between 9:45pm and 7am. Last night I watched tv in the middle of the night for a few hours which was really (really, really) not good

God is the great healer. I believe he is healing me day by day.

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Galatians 22-23 (NLT)

Daily Decisions

Each day is a new day where I need to make decisions. Many decisions are fairly easy and on autopilot such as making my bed or brushing my teeth. They are basically habits and don’t require a lot of thinking.

Other decisions are not so easy: for me this is to binge or not to binge. My wiser, stronger self of course says not too. However, my anxiety-prone self combined with a decades old habit to “help” me cope with life, says, yes go ahead and binge (but it will be the last one! Promise! Let’s just say I’ve had a lot of “last” binges- at least several hundred).

This daily battle I have reminds me of a bible verse,

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?” Romans 7:15-24 (NIV)

That verse is really speaking to me today, I’m glad I read it.

Now that I’m on my healing journey to heal my eating disorder what do I need to rescue me? I definitely need God’s help (always!) but I also need to help myself. I need to do the work and put in my part. Which is the main reason why I’m writing, to help me sort out step by step, day by day how to heal.

What I want to work towards is simply making better, healthier decisions. For each meal and snack, day in and day out, ever day.

So today I decide to be healthy and moderate with my eating but not “perfect.”

Perfect for me is a tricky, tricky place when I only eat completely clean food- that is only foods like brown rice, vegetables, beans, etc all unprocessed, ideally organic, sugar-free, flour-free, processed carb-free. This is an ideal and if I have days where I end up eating that way sometimes, hey, awesome!!! Nothing wrong with it and clearly very good nutritionally. But this is a big part of what I’m trying to heal from: my self-defeating perfectionism. Where I either eat “perfectly” and if I fail…well now it’s time to binge and eat half a cake, 3 ice cream bars, a whole bag of  potato chips, etc.

So for today I’m going to aim to be good enough 🙂