Willingness to let go of things that don’t work

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Note: I wrote a response to this article 

Having the willingness to let go of things that aren’t working: I’m seeing more and more how important this is for healing.

As I look through my journal and older blog postings I’m seeing obvious behaviors that I do which keep tripping me up on the road to healing my eating disorder; and I think it’s very important to honor them and take them seriously.

Letting go of old, unhealthy behaviors for me however is often much easier said than done. Why is this? I’m not a behavior expert but for me I think the main contributing factors are:

  1. I’ve used these behaviors as a (admittedly unhealthy) way to cope with my fear, stress, boredom and anxiety. They have been a crutch to help me “get through” life and situations that are uncomfortable.
  2. Habit. Habits can be notoriously hard to break, especially ones that have deep emotional links and strongholds. Despite bingeing being obviously bad for my body, health and soul I have kept coming back to it because in the moment when I feel stressed a binge can temporarily ease my pain. The old habit pattern over rules my better judgment because I know a binge, which lasts only a few minutes will bring me hours of pain including indigestion, inflammation, bloating and feeling really bad and shameful about myself.
  3. Weak faith and not trusting God enough that he loves me and is looking out for me.

So what am I trying to let go of?

  • Sugar. Without a doubt this is my #1 battle. I could write pages and pages of the destruction my sugar addiction has ravaged through my life over the years. But that’s for another time.

Sugar for me is seductive, deceptive, deeply and profoundly harmful, and I can never, never, never get enough. I could practically eat sugar-rich foods; chocolate, cake, cupcakes, ice cream, white bread and pasta until I died.

Another level of difficulty I have with sugar is that much of the binge eating disorder literature I read does not advocate cutting a certain food out of your life because it’s not a healthy, balanced approach to healing and will almost always boomerang back at you in the form of a binge(s).

I have tried everything to make it work with sugar; for example just eating it in the form of fruit, just eating dark chocolate (you know, with 70% or more cocoa content); just eating it in condiments such as ketchup, bbq sauce and ketchup to add extra flavor to otherwise savory dishes, I could go on and on….

I can bottomline this quickly: none of it works for me. I am hopelessly and completely addicted to sugar. A well-intentioned apple will eventually lead to a binge. BBQ sauce on my chicken burger will eventually lead to a binge. One cookie will lead to eating twelve (or more!).

So I have decided to break up with sugar.

Now, please don’t hold me to this….because like in any bad relationship I might go back for more suffering to see if “maybe it will work this time.” But I am putting my very strong intent out to the universe. Sugar and me are done.

I intensely want to heal my eating disorder and finally become healthy, well and whole. As it’s said, “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

What else am I wanting to let go of?

  • TV. I am also hopelessly addicted to television. If I start watching it at 8pm I can easily watch until 3am and if I wake up, at say, 5am I’ll start watching it again. It’s pretty bad. And like sugar it’s just another way that I unhealthily cope with stress, anxiety, fear etc.

My tv addiction is not as bad as my sugar addiction and I think it is secondary to sugar. What I mean is the nights I watch the most tv are after I’ve binged.

But the two of them are part of the same vicious and terrible cycle. If I binge then I stay awake most of the night and watch tv because I’m way over-wired on sugar (and shame); then the next day I’m exhausted physically and emotionally….and what I often do to get myself going is….eat sugar. And the horrible cycle starts all over again.

So my goal is to have the willingness to finally let go of this self-defeating, self-sabotaging behavior. As I said before, if I slip and fall please don’t hold it against me. I am simply one vulnerable little person who very much wants to get well and finally be free.

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13 thoughts on “Willingness to let go of things that don’t work

  1. I like the way you’re thinking. It’s obvious you are ready to move on and be done with the cycles you have previously found yourself spinning in! You can do this!!! Definitely keep stuff out of your house, at the very least. What are your plans as far as tv goes? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Valerie, thank you so much for your support I really, really appreciate it! ❤

      My plans for tv right now are to just not watch it at all. It's super hard because I really enjoy watching tv especially after dinner. However I'm accepting that for now I need to let it go and do other things at night such as read, listen to music, or work on a hobby. When the tv goes on I often end up watching it for hours and hours ("just one more episode!") and all of a sudden it's 2am or 3am and I'm still awake. It's a situation that right now simply isn't working.

      My only real goal is to heal my binge eating and move on to happier and more fun things 🙂

      Thank you for caring it really means a lot to me ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome! Ending an addiction takes having accountability, for sure. I won’t judge, but I make a great cheerleader! ❤ ^_^
        Oh good, books and hobbies are much better than tv anyway! I love blogging about books I’ve read a projects I’ve completed…even if no one cares but me, it still provides a certain amount of motivation. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Perhaps if you approach the behavior shifts you want to make as a practice, Rose, you might be more disposed to forgive the occasional slips since you’ll be permitting yourself to resume the practice. Just a thought. 😉 xoM

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you have a realistic expectation of the process. You are changing your behaviour which is really hard. It will take time and there will be trips and falls. This does not mean failure. You are trying and that means you are a success! I have the utmost admiration for you. 🏆🏅

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Trying without sugar too. Did successfully in the past. But I do like my honey! I know a few friends on myfitnesspal who r like u and can’t eat anything sweet. Two of my very healthy Spanish friends never liked apples or Australian corn coz they we’re too sweet.
    I have never been a tv watcher. Used to having people over to my house instead, learning a new language, meetup.com activities, church etc. but I do like my iPad!

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s nice to know I’m not the only one trying to avoid sugar 🙂

      That’s also really great that you have so many fun alternatives to watching tv. It’s so much more rewarding 🙂

      Like

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