I’m grateful to have had a series of pretty good days recently with my eating but today was a tough one. I ended up bingeing this afternoon and I know exactly why: I weighed myself this morning and it totally sent me down the wrong path emotionally.
Why did this happen? For a couple reasons: The number on the scale made me sad because I thought it would reflect my healthier eating but it didn’t. More importantly however is that I simply have a very, very bad relationship with the scale. I’ve been fighting eating disorders since I was about 11-12 years old: anorexia when I was young and now binge eating.
I thought mayyyyyybe this relationship had improved a little bit so I’ve weighed myself a couple times this week. And today I realized, nope…this just isn’t working for me right now it’s making me too upset, anxious, depressed and feeling like a failure.
It’s a delicate balance unfortunately, because on the one hand I desire to lose about 10-20 pounds because I know it will improve my health. And the only way to tell I’ve actually made *real* progress is by using the scale, but the scale is very hard for me to use.
So I’m trying to figure out a compromise that will hopefully work and not lead me down a bad path. Maybe weighing myself once every two weeks, or once a month? I’m not exactly sure but hopefully I’ll figure it out. All I know is that multiple times a week is not a good idea.
I always try and look on the bright side and this has been one of my better months, food-wise. I’ve had fewer binges than in the last few months and I feel like slowly I might be healing my binge eating a little bit. Today’s binge wasn’t an all-out mega binge, it was smaller, but a binge is still a binge and is not healthy for me emotionally or physically.
However my experience today showed me how incredibly vulnerable I still am and that I still need to just take my life one meal and one day at a time. No matter how well I eventually get (hopefully) I’m absolutely sure I’ll need to manage my eating disorder for the rest of my life.
Chocolate chip cookies: one of my go-to binge foods