One step back

photo6I’m grateful to have had a series of pretty good days recently with my eating but today was a tough one. I ended up bingeing this afternoon and I know exactly why: I weighed myself this morning and it totally sent me down the wrong path emotionally.

Why did this happen? For a couple reasons: The number on the scale made me sad because I thought it would reflect my healthier eating but it didn’t. More importantly however is that I simply have a very, very bad relationship with the scale. I’ve been fighting eating disorders since I was about 11-12 years old: anorexia when I was young and now binge eating.

I thought mayyyyyybe this relationship had improved a little bit so I’ve weighed myself a couple times this week. And today I realized, nope…this just isn’t working for me right now it’s making me too upset, anxious, depressed and feeling like a failure.

It’s a delicate balance unfortunately, because on the one hand I desire to lose about 10-20 pounds because I know it will improve my health. And the only way to tell I’ve actually made *real* progress is by using the scale, but the scale is very hard for me to use.

So I’m trying to figure out a compromise that will hopefully work and not lead me down a bad path. Maybe weighing myself once every two weeks, or once a month? I’m not exactly sure but hopefully I’ll figure it out. All I know is that multiple times a week is not a good idea.

I always try and look on the bright side and this has been one of my better months, food-wise. I’ve had fewer binges than in the last few months and I feel like slowly I might be healing my binge eating a little bit. Today’s binge wasn’t an all-out mega binge, it was smaller, but a binge is still a binge and is not healthy for me emotionally or physically.

However my experience today showed me how incredibly vulnerable I still am and that I still need to just take my life one meal and one day at a time. No matter how well I eventually get (hopefully) I’m absolutely sure I’ll need to manage my eating disorder for the rest of my life.

photo20

Chocolate chip cookies: one of my go-to binge foods

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14 thoughts on “One step back

  1. You can try measuring circumferences of biceps, thighs, waist, etc. You can become slimmer without losing weight. It could help with the “dreaded scales”. I never weigh myself. I go by how my clothes are fitting, but you are not me. I’m sure you will find a way around this trigger and continue to move forward.

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  2. Scales are tricky. Some people need to see the number regularly (daily?) to stay motivated and accountable while others need to rarely (if ever!) look at the number to stay in the right mindset. You know yourself and what effect it has on you emotionally…perhaps using other means to measure your success would be better. You could watch the way you clothes are fitting, pay attention to your daily mood, energy level, and skin tone. Things like that. 🙂 I know how frustrating it is to be working hard at making a healthy food or fitness change and then not see the numbers reflect that work. (((hugs)))

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  3. Once you get in to the healthy lifestyle (which I think you’ve already started), an occasional binge (a vulnerable point which everyone has!) should not matter too much–it should be easy to get back on track (and back on track you already are, I think!). I’ve eaten too much the past week, so this week I just make a conscious choice to lessen my food intake. I don’t berate myself for the past week, no regrets, no remorse. ‘Wishing us all good health and wellness in the coming year!

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  4. The scales really are no one’s friend. I think most people have a weird relationship, one way or another, with the scales. I threw mine out a few years ago and haven’t weighed myself since, and it’s made a huge difference to how I view my body. In all honesty, your body has nothing to do with a number – it’s all about how you feel, and how you think you look. Whether you weigh 130 pounds or 230 pounds doesn’t matter as long as you feel comfortable and happy with yourself. Maybe try to pay more attention to what’s going on inside of you, and the changes you can eventually see in your looks. You’re definitely on the right path, just remember to not be too hard on yourself! 🙂

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  5. I’ve been in recovery from anorexia binging purging type for almost a year now. Although I was resistant at first, one of the most helpful things was to stop weighing myself for good. I have a trusted dietician who checks my weight every so often (because I am medically stable) & I trust her to tell me what I need to do. Although I do recommend seeing a RD, particularly one who specializes in eating disorders, you could also ask a trusted friend or family member to do blind weigh ins and keep you accountable. I ended up shattering my scale this summer, the link is under my recovery tab if you would like to read more! I think more important than anything to combat binge eating is to not wait too long been meals to eat, eat a balanced diet with your favorite desserts as well, & to have a support team that you can call or spend time with when you are on the verse to binging. Most important of all is finding the root of why we binge eat to coop with other emotions (even subconscious ones). The 8 Keys to recovery is a great resource book that helps you do just that. It’s heavy, so I would take it slow, but all of the journal activities are worth it. I would ditch the scale for good (and the measuring tapes too) & focus on eating in a balanced way, feeling good physically & emotionally, & things should take care of themselves over time (it may be a long time). Working with an RD, therapist, and medical physician is also really helpful. Hope this helps blessings and good health for the new year!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Emily, thank you so much for your incredibly thoughtful comment. Congratulations on being in recovery for almost a year that is wonderful!!! ❤ I really appreciate your advice it is very sensible. I agree that working with an RD and having a support team is a very good idea. Thanks again I hope you have a blessed day! ❤

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